Female Circumcision – An Irreversible Mutilation

I’m so tired of society taking ownership of women’s bodies, how they dress, when they are ‘allowed’ to have sex, how they are supposed to act, I had to write this piece, not because I have the cure to all this BS that happen to women. Oh, wait I do: let women be in charge of their own bodies. It’s not your virgina, why are you touching it?

Every day, its society vs. the female body, our struggles are unending and usually traumatising, and in the long laundry list of BS we need to deal with, there is Female Genital Mutilation (FGM), also known as female circumcision, a procedure that intentionally alters or causes injury to the female genital organs for non-medical reasons.

Think about it this way, one day someone decided that a woman will automatically be loose if you don’t amputate parts of her virgina, and then stitch it closed. They do leave a 2-3 millimetre for urine and menstrual blood to literally drip out of.

Just imagine not being able to urinate, having menstrual blood build-up inside you, never being able to enjoy sex, because someone who you trusted thought that by cutting you, they are protecting you, and this happens to over 200 million girls and women in over 30 countries.

That’s a frightening number of women that are having their body parts forcefully amputated, for no reason. There are no religious references, no health benefits, just pain and emotional trauma.

I’ve spent a lot of time researching FGM, it’s a practice I first learnt about while doing a radio show I used to host. It immediately struck a nerve, I couldn’t believe that there are places where people believe that removing a woman’s clitoris makes her pure and elevates her chances of finding a husband. I mean if that’s what it takes, I would rather die alone.

Female circumcision is not something that’s done to ‘protect’ the women, the results of this procedure leave the victim scarred for life, and unfortunately many women grow up in societies where the practice is normalised.

Children as young as 2 months have been cut, while their parents watch them, proudly, as the children scream and fight to be left alone. In one of the videos that I watched, a little girl was screaming that she wants to die, while the whole village stood around her, watching, but not stopping it.

It breaks my heart that somewhere in the world a child is being mutilated and being manipulated to believe that the procedure is done for her own good. The victims are told that if they aren’t circumcised that they will be promiscuous, and that no man will ever want to marry them. They are also told that if they get circumcised, they will have less pain when giving birth.

There are literally zero benefits associated with getting circumcised as a female, yet somehow, in 2019 this is still something that happens, a terrifying, life altering, thing. That can’t be undone.

I think that it’s important to have these conversations, because today it’s a little girl in Nigeria, tomorrow it could be a little girl down the road. People do horrible things to other people, people do horrible things to women, I don’t want to be a victim.

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Natural Hair – The Good, the bad, and the curly

Over the years the natural hair trend has grown phenomenally. I am one of those people who made the decision to go natural. I love my fro, but I have talked to so many ladies who aren’t entirely happy with their natural curls.

I want to have an honest conversation about natural hair, and the pressure associated with “loving your crown”.

I’ve had natural hair for about 6 years. I always hated relaxing my hair, it was a painful experience for me. I always felt like I was being punished for not having straight hair and relaxing it made me miserable. When my mom suggested that I cut my hair I was skeptical to say the least, the big chop happened, and I didn’t hate it.

For a lot of women, the transition isn’t as easy. The media has led us to believe that your curls will always be long and loose, and that in a few months your natural hair would have grown into these long tangles of shining beauty. Women often find themselves feeling unfulfilled when they realise two years in that their hair has reached a growth plateau.

We have generalised hair care, led people to believe what works for a YouTube blogger with long, loose curls, will work for everyone. When the truth is that you have to experiment, find a hair care routine that works for you. No ladies, coconut oil doesn’t work for everyone. I personally don’t use coconut oil at all, it dries out my hair, I prefer argon oil.

I often watch YouTube bloggers talk about how “simple” a hairstyle is, but when I try it, the results are usually disappointing. So, don’t feel bad if you, like me, can’t pull off those styles.

Natural hair care isn’t cheap or easy. You spend hours taking care of your hair, and a lot of money trying to achieve the desired results. I’m not suggesting that you stop your routine, I’m just saying we need to be honest with each other about it.

Your hair is as unique as you are, take some time getting to know what it likes and what it needs. Don’t just assume that what works for one will work for all.

In the words of Solange “You know this hair is my shit, rode the ride, I gave it time, but this here is mine”.

Jay and Jay

My friends are getting married. Again!

They have been together for 10 years. They had their first wedding in court, it was a quick, but sweet affair. The second wedding is looming and by the looks of things, it promises to be tear jerking and memorable.

I have had the privilege of witnessing their love for each other. Hearing their silly little disagreements and their inside jokes. I remember watching them thinking “damn, when will it be my turn?”, because when you’re a romantic, watching others love each other leaves you craving for it.

They planted the seeds, watered, and nurtured the garden of their love. Now they get to lie in their field of flowers, enjoying each other.

It’s a beautiful thing when two kindred spirits meet and latch onto each other.

They started a life together 10 years ago, and even though most of us believe that marriage signifies a whole new life, I think its just a continuation of the life you have already cultivated.

So, to my friends Jade and Jarred, congratulations on your love and your amazing life together. Your love is truly one of a kind.

P.S. this is not my wedding toast. Love and light.

Stuck

I feel like I am suffocating. I am trying to get out of this space, but it’s difficult, and there isn’t much support when your in my position.

I feel stuck. Like no matter how hard I try I’ll never move forward. I’m not in the mood to do anything here anymore. I want to do something new, in a new space.

Maybe I have spent too much time dreaming about what I want instead of getting what I want. I wish I could try again, start from scratch, maybe I would make better choices.

I just want something different. I’m tired…

Zero ideas

I am running out of things to write about. Before I could write about my sadness, my anger, my pain. I can’t write about those things anymore. The negative feelings that are left aren’t strong enough for me to write about them, not right now anyway. It’s difficult for me because I found my inspiration in my broken pieces. I spent so much time fixing myself, and now that I am really close to what a functioning adult should be, I am so happy with my life that I feel like writing about it would almost be bragging about it.

I used to nurture my pain. I made friends with it and let it grow. I used it as my anchor, whenever I felt like I was heading to the surface, and I was about the take a deep breath, it would pull me back with so much force that I couldn’t help but let it take me.

Now I let the happiness take me. Like sunflowers follow the sunlight, I follow happiness. I let it lead me, I let it embrace me. All of me.

I hope the things I’m supposed to say will come to me. Hopefully you won’t have to read my silly ramblings for too long. Namaste.

I’m taking back my power

I have been feeling so powerless lately. I resigned myself to the idea of letting a crazy person harass me. I felt like there was nothing I could do.

Today I took my power back. I decided that I won’t allow him to get away with making me feel unsafe anymore. I made it very clear today that I am not afraid of him and that he should give me his best shot, cause I am tired of his shit. I am tired of stressing about him, talking about him, and I am tired of compromising in order to feel safe.

I was so upset that I was literally shaking. But I feel so good right now. I feel like I am in control again. I know that its not over. I won the fight, but not the war. But it’s a step in the right direction. It’s only the beginning and now I dare him to come for me. I am ready. I am here to fight for my life if need be.

If you have ever felt powerless I want you to know that I sympathise with you. I know your struggle. You are not alone.

And to Shelton Kamoo a big FUCK YOU!

I love intentionally, now

I have fallen in and out of love so many times. My cousin used to tell guys “she will only want you for two months, after that you’ll be replaced”. I was a serial dater. I would meet someone, fall in lust, and as if it never happened, I would move on. Of course, like the narcissist that I am, I never fell out of love as easily when they broke up with me, or weren’t really interested in me. When they were there for a good time, not a long time, I would suddenly want more. Not from every guy I met, only from some of them.

I loved the thrill of chasing, and being chased. I wanted eternal butterflies, the feeling of meeting someone for the first time. Even when I wanted “more”, I never wanted everything.

Honestly, what was I going to do with someone who wanted to stay? I wanted happiness in bursts. I wanted it to be fleeting, and I held onto the “wrong guys” mostly because I knew they didn’t want to stay. I was like a child with a new toy “look I have a new toy, oh wait, it’s not that exciting, never mind, I don’t want to play anymore”.

I know that I have hurt so many people with my childish ways. I am sorry I wasn’t mature enough to appreciate you. I have grown up though. I now only take the love I can give back. I don’t look at people as temporary anymore. There are a few people I should thank for helping me realise that its ok to stay and that its ok to allow people to stay, if they want to, if they don’t want to I should be ok with letting them go. Which I am, now. I’m not gonna thank them here, they deserve better.

I am grateful, I learnt to stay before I met my current partner. I wouldn’t have known the value of a good man if I didn’t. I finally found my eternal butterflies, every time I see him it feels like the first time, and I am so happy that he wants me like I want him.

The chase is over. I have stopped running to and from love. I love intentionally, now.